How painful will the best be?

Have you ever prayed for something and wondered if you would really get it? C.S. Lewis says it this way, "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

This is how I felt many days as we prayed for Jonathan to grow. Was something wrong with him? Seriously wrong? How could there be something wrong with this incredibly healthy, joyful, energetic child? ....But was there?

I prayed that God would make him grow. I prayed against Cystic Fibrosis and Celiac's and the lack of growth hormone. I prayed every night since he was born that "he would grow in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man." Those were God's own words from the book of Luke and His Word never returns void.....right?

And yet for months he didn't grow. In fact, when it all began, he lost a whole pound and didn't gain it back for 10 months, let alone actually gain any ground. On my best days, I had the faith of David fighting Goliath. But on my worst days I wondered how painful the best would be for my little guy.

He has always been small. He was only 6 lbs when he was born. His doctor in Colorado Springs was required to send him to a nutritionist when he was about 18 months old because he was below the 10th percentile and therefore labeled "failure to thrive". Even as she did this, she assured me he wasn't failing to thrive. But when we moved to Alabama, he lost that pound and didn't gain it back and it raised all kinds of red flags with the doctors. So many, in fact, that we just went to a Pediatric GI today. And here is the amazing part......

He GREW!! He gained an entire pound in one month. So, he has now gained 2 lbs past what he lost. My 4-year-old now weighs 29.8 lbs. Did you catch that? He is almost 30 lbs! A weight I sincerely thought was at least a year off based on his rate of growth.

I prayed.....and so many others prayed with me (thank you to those of you reading this that prayed!).....and God answered.

There is another piece to the puzzle that God used to bring about this growth. I had been trying to tell his doctor that he was constipated, but she would never believe me. In November, we saw a different Dr. for his 4-year check-up and she listened. She put him on Miralax which not only has softened his stools but has therefore increased his appetite because he has more room in there now. He used to complain of stomach aches, but I haven't heard him say that since he started the Miralax.

God heard the cry of my heart for someone to listen to my concern and He provided an alternate doctor at a crucial moment.

And today we saw this awesome Christian GI doctor who is just not as concerned as the other doctors have been this year.

Who knows what is in store for my Jonathan......Well, God does. And He hears this mommy's heart. He heard my cries for my son and He has answered. Would He be any less amazing if the report was different? No. But I am rejoicing that at this moment in our lives, He has chosen to make the best just wonderful and not at all painful.

Thank You, Lord!!!

A Conversation

This is a conversation the boys and I had over a couple of days.....

J: Josh and Mike (his imaginary friends--several of whom are named Mike) died.
Me: Really?! How did they die?
J: The body guards killed them.
Me: The body guards killed them?
J: Yeah, they put them on the cross like Jesus!
Me: That is very sad!
J: Yeah.

The next day.....
J: Zach and Mike are here! (Zach is a name we hadn't heard in his host of friends.)
Me: I thought Mike died?
J: He did. I have lots of brothers!
Michael: Don't you have any sisters?
J: Nah. I don't like sisters.
M: What if mommy had another baby and it was a girl?
Me from another room: Mommy isn't going to have any more babies!
M: I know, but just if you did......

What a hoot!!!

Another birthday....

And then he turned 7...... I cannot begin to express how incredibly proud I am of Michael. He is turning into quite the big boy. Today he wore a white shirt and tie for his Christmas program and declared himself "Dashing!" Yes, that was the exact word he used and it was also a fitting description. :)

Michael is my thinker. He asks questions non-stop....mostly "Why?" Before I had children I claimed I would never grow tired of the questions because that is how they learn. I was wrong! I do grow tired of the questions because they are never-ending with him. And yet, they are changing.....He is really attempting to figure out this big, crazy world we live in. And the best part is that he is often trying to figure out the things of God. His latest theological question was, "Mommy, do you think if Adam and Eve hadn't sinned that we wouldn't have any sin in the world?" Or "Why didn't the king change his law when Daniel prayed to his own God instead of throwing Daniel into the lion's den and then changing the law?" Good question, buddy!!

I love the privilege of teaching him. My favorite part of our homeschool day is to listen to him read the assigned passage of Scripture. What a blessing to be the one he is reading to! Do I love every day or even every moment of our school day? Heavens no!! We do battle when he refuses to cooperate and some days I would rather check things off my to-do list than explain action verbs to him. But when his face lights up because he aced his spelling test or he gets excited because he got to learn about hundreds and thousands or he is fascinated by a piece of history, then I am reminded why I do what I do.

He wants to be an inventor when he grows up. I'm convinced the movie "Meet the Robinsons" had something to do with this. :) He has all sorts of inventions in his head--a transporter, a machine to take you into the movie you are watching, a marker gun, etc. We just keep encouraging him because he could be our retirement fund. :) Ha! Ha!

He is gaining quite a sense of humor and his smile and laugh come quickly. I love joking around with him and watching him start to "get" it.

Michael was my buddy when he was first born and he remains my buddy today. My prayer is that he will remain my buddy all his life.

My baby is four!

What mom can resist blogging about a newly-turned-another-year-old kid? I can't! We just celebrated Jonathan's birthday......My baby turned 4! How is that possible?!

Jonathan is a clown who turns heads and hearts. He is about the size of a two year old, so he turns heads when he starts talking like a 10 year old. :) At his birthday party, he could be found playing with a 12-year-old friend. When this friend said they had to go and asked Jonathan if he wanted to help him put his shoes on, Jonathan replied, "No. I have my own problems!" Makes me laugh just remembering it! What a hoot he is! (And that's just the beginning.)

My favorite thing he does is when he makes a clicking sound with his mouth while winking and pointing his finger and thumb like a gun at me. It is the funniest thing ever!! He can make me laugh one minute and groan in frustration the next.....usually because he is laughing one minute and throwing a fit the next. I have never seen a better pouter. If it's not convenient to sit or lay down to pout fully, he has been known to walk in a circle with slumped shoulders over and over and.... Even then he is funny. In fact, one day he said to me, "You can call me Mr. Funny!" Yes, yes, I can!!

One of his favorite gifts for his birthday was a guitar. He loves to "have a concert" during which he makes up songs in a hard rocker voice. Even though he sounds angry at the world, the words of his most-sung original song are "God is good. It's good to be good!"

And in his sweetest moments, he rubs his cheek against mine and says, "I just love you, Mommy!"

"I just love you, too, pal!"

Mixed emotions

Every year around October, I start to complain about how busy this season is. In the span of less than two months, our little four-person family has three birthdays and two major holidays. Unless you count Halloween, then that makes three.

These two months also have been packed with emotionally-charged events. One year, we miscarried out first child just before Thanksgiving--a grief like none I had ever experienced. One year the church we attended and loved was faced with a national scandal. The following year a gunman entered the same church just two hours after we had gone home. He killed two girls and injured two more people before he was shot by a security guard. Even though we weren't at the church when it happened, I spent months thinking what I would do or where I would go if there was another gunman every time we went to church.

Now, several years later, I was once again faced with the mixed bag of emotions I always face this time of year.....until worship one Sunday. We were singing "Overcame"--an anthem said church declared after the scandal and shooting--and I was bemoaning the fact that this season has so many hard memories for me. And you know what God said to me? (No, not an audible voice anyone else could hear, but it was such a clear impression on my heart that He may as well have been talking out loud.) He said, "Why do you think I gave you so many things to celebrate in these two months?!"

What a sweet answer to my mixed bag of emotions. And let me tell you, I am so DONE complaining about all the birthday cake in my house because it represents my three greatest blessings here on earth and the thoughtfulness of a loving Father to give me their birthdays to celebrate in what could otherwise have become a very difficult time of year.

So, bring on the cake and the parties and the presents...... I'm ready to celebrate!!

Milestones

We have experienced a milestone in our household today. My oldest son picked out his first pair of glasses. I have very mixed emotions about this and it feels like it would help to put them here. So, join me or not, here is the story.....

Last week during our first week of school, Michael complained often about his eyes either bothering him or watering. Then I noticed a couple red flags as he read and did his math work. The upside to having a mom with vision problems is that she is always on the look-out for the same problem in her children. That is also the downside. :) However, I felt I would be remiss not to make an appointment with the eye doctor to find out if my concerns were valid.

The Doctor was SO great! He spoke directly to Michael and put him at ease. Michael did a great job communicating with the doctor--he is getting so big! My once shy, hide-behind-mommy son is growing up! As I watched the appointment progress, I grew very concerned because he was missing what seemed to be very large letters. But I didn't say a word. At the end, the Dr. turned to me and said, "Now, Mom, there are a few things you need to know. The letters you are watching are twice as big as the ones Michael was looking at. (WHEW!) And children don't see detail like we do, so when he called a G an O, that was fine. They also would rather not answer than get it wrong, so when he couldn't tell me the letter, it was no problem." (WHEW again!)

After dilating his eyes (the only thing Michael needed to be talked into being cooperative about), and finishing the exam, the Dr. announced Michael needs reading glasses. Now, yesterday while we were doing Math, he couldn't see something very well and I decided I needed to prepare him for the possibility of needing glasses. He was very upset about this and kept saying he would look funny. I reminded him that his friends Taylor and Samantha don't look funny and that he doesn't think I look funny......or any number of other people he knows who wear glasses. I also reminded him that when I switched from contacts to glasses, he thought I looked funny at first, but he doesn't think so anymore. So, we talked about how it might take a little while to get used to--IF glasses were what he needed. We were very patient with him while he worked this out in his head and by bedtime, he had decided he might look kind of good in glasses.

We decided to head to Lens Crafters to choose frames (the Dr's office had very expensive frames and not a great selection). By now he was pretty excited. We walked into Lens Crafters and he tried on one pair and decided those were the ones he wanted. He tried on a couple more, but was able to tell the worker exactly why he liked the first pair the best and those are the ones we got. Thankfully, they would be ready in an hour, so we had lunch at the mall and went back to pick them up. Again, he did a great job of communicating with the woman adjusting his glasses. He told her exactly where it felt funny or what was wrong.

He is now working on Legos in his room with his new glasses on that he is very excited about. Praise the Lord! I prayed so hard that he would get to this point, but I'm not sure I believed it would happen so quickly.

I think even more than the glasses, the milestone is that he spoke so clearly and confidently to the adults we saw today. I have no doubt that in our case, this is largely due to homeschooling. This is not true for everyone, but I really feel like in Michael's case it is. I don't feel he would have gained this much confidence this quickly if we had made another choice.

Who knows what has me so choked up today?! Probably the mix of everything. In any case, he looks very handsome.....and he would want me to tell you--very smart--in those glasses. My little boy isn't really so little anymore! And I'm SO proud of him!!

P90X - The results are in!

Many of you know I have been doing P90X. Some of you have asked how it's going or if it's worth it. I would answer that with a resounding "YES, it's worth it!" But I will let you be the judge of that....

Two years ago I was told by my doctor that I needed to get my blood pressure under control or she would put me on medicine. BP meds at 36 wasn't really what I had in mind for my life, so I got to work. I lost weight, I worked out, I lowered my BP. Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to understand why the most important results of P90X to me are the ones that have to do with my heart health and cardio endurance. Yes, I can to more push-ups and more bicep curls; yes, I lost a little weight, but I'm most interested in the other stuff.

I lost only 8 lbs, but I lost 8% body fat (the true marker) over the 90 days. I think I could have lost more if I had stuck to their nutrition program more strictly and I plan to improve that when I start over. (Yes, I'm going to do it again!) :) I lost 2 1/2 inches in my waist, 1 1/2 inches in my hips and 1 1/2 inches in each thigh. My arms remain the same measurement, but they don't look the same!!! You can actually see definition in my biceps and thighs--I almost forgot I had muscles under there!! :)

I still can't do a pull-up and I'm okay with that.

Here is what I CAN do:

Before: 15 push-ups
Now: 30

Before: 4 1/2 inch reach past my toes
Now: 8 inches

Before: 90 sec wall squat
After: 125 sec

Before: 30 bicep curls with 10 lbs
Now: 20 bicep curls with 15 lbs

Before: 23 In & Outs (an ab move)
After: 55

Here is what I'm most proud of: my resting heart rate went from 70 to 60. After doing 2 minutes of jumping jacks before P90X (and feeling like I might die), my heart rate went from 180 to 120 recovery after 4 minutes. After P90X (I could actually still breathe and talk when I finished), it went from 178 to 108--a MUCH better recovery, which indicates a much healthier heart.

Do others have more dramatic results? Definitely. However, I am very pleased with my results and thrilled with how much healthier I feel. I just got home from the YMCA where I ran, without stopping, for 2 miles at a 10-minute-mile pace. That was unheard of for me 90 days ago. So, even though much of P90X is weight-lifting and toning-focused, it obviously is improving cardio endurance as well.

I plan to begin some form of P90X again next week. There were workouts I didn't care for (not because they are too hard but because I don't burn as many calories!) and I probably won't keep doing 6 workouts a week, but I'm going to do most of it again. I'd like to lose the 5% body fat that would move me from the "acceptable" category to the "fit" category. :)

So, what do you think? Was it worth it? :)

Be still and know......

Yesterday the boys and I were on the road to Birmingham by 8:00. We were scheduled to have a sweat test for Jonathan at 10 at Children's Hospital. The doctor is concerned he isn't growing like he should be, so this would test for Cystic Fibrosis--something even the doctor admits he probably doesn't have. I really felt like I was jumping through hoops on the whim of the doctor, but since I had already talked her out of a referral to GI right now, I felt I at least had to follow-through with this test.

On the way, the boys were watching a DVD and I was praying and trying not to stress out that we would be late. As I drove, I kept thinking "Be still and know that I am God" and "Wait on the Lord". I just thought He was telling me not to be so stressed about getting there. Little did I know those words would be repeated to me at the end of my day. I prayed for gracious people if we were late and kind lab techs. I honestly didn't even bother praying for the results because he so obviously does not have CF, I had no doubt the test would return negative.

We made it just on time and had some kind people directing me where to go. Then we settled into the over-flowing waiting room of the Lab. And we waited. Another little boy came in with wrapped arms and, after eavesdropping, I realized he had the sweat test, too. I took Jonathan over to him to see his arms, to prepare him for what would happen. The mom was so sweet and described all of it to Jonathan. And then we waited some more. The boys were nearly perfect. I had brought a whole bag full of stuff to do and we used pretty much everything in it.....while we waited some more. After an hour and a half, I finally went to the desk to ask how much longer it would be while at the same moment, Jonathan's name was called.

If you want the medical details, read on. Otherwise, skip to the next paragraph. :) They cleaned his arm and then attached probes to send an electrical current through his arm for 5 minutes to stimulate his sweat glands. He cried but sat still all the way through the first arm. Then, Lois, the kind lab tech (Thank You, Lord!) put gauze, plastic, a diaper around his little arm and wrapped it all up with the tape they use when they draw blood. And then we repeated the whole process on the second arm. However, I asked Jonathan is he would like me to sing while the probes worked. He did and I sang his special "Jonathan song", then started in on the "B-I-B-L-E" at which point Lois joined in. :) By "Jesus Loves Me", Jonathan had quit crying and was saying his arm tickled. (Thank You, Jesus!) That arm got wrapped up and we were off to kill 30 minutes around the hospital.

We walked around and I had brought a special fruit snack for each of them. In 30 minutes, we returned to the Lab, had the wraps taken off and we were on our way. I had promised the boys we would go to the Lego store and they could each build three guys to buy. They were thrilled! We ate lunch at the mall, built Lego guys and headed home.

We arrived home around 4:30 and I listened to the message waiting for me. It was Lois. She was very sorry, but there had been a mistake in the test and it is invalid. Could we reschedule and do the test over? What?!?! With tears born out of exhaustion and disappointment, I relayed the news to Chris. I called Lois back who was nothing but sweet, apologetic and humble. We went over the details and it turns out that the sweat test is run manually and a set of numbers had been misplaced. She said they had looked through every garbage and had even gone so far as getting security to unlock their documents ready for shredding and could not find the information anywhere. I was gracious in my response because we are, after all, just human! Lois is obviously a believer and promised to pray for Jonathan's growth. :)

Chris and I have decided not to pursue this test again right now. Jonathan will have another growth check in November and, at that time, if he still hasn't gained or grown the way he should, we will reconsider repeating the test. I am apprehensive about telling the doctor our decision, but am confident it is the right one.

Even as I went to bed last night, I kept hearing the words "Be still and know I am God". I have no idea why He allowed all this to happen--to test my patience? to refine my character? or maybe to accomplish something that is not even closely related to me. Whatever the reason, I am trying to take Him at His word--He is obviously speaking to me! I have not arrived at the peace He wants me to have yet, but I am "failing forward" towards it. I know His peace will come--it always does.

And that's the long version. :)

Lord, help me be still and know that You, and You alone, are God. Help me to wait on You. Help me to cast my cares on You, knowing You care even about the small things.

Mommy Fail

I had a Mommy fail yesterday. Have you ever had one of those? Certainly I am not alone in this!

I took Michael to Soccer Camp for day 4, told him he had one more day and that Jonathan and I would come watch him for his last day. Off Jonathan and I went. We arrived back at Soccer Camp to pick Michael up early enough that we should have been able to see the end of a scrimmage, but arrived to find all the kids sitting on the bleachers and the Coaches handing out "best effort" awards. I was thoroughly confused, but had a very bad feeling about this. I had just checked the brochure two nights before to make sure he had it on Friday and, yes, the flier said it ended on July 30.

Once the kids were dismissed, I approached his coach. "Is this the last day?!" To which he replied yes it was as he shook my hand. I told him Michael was going to be very disappointed because I had told him he had one more day. The Coach graciously went over to Michael to tell him it was over and say good-bye. Michael left in tears. He sobbed all the way home. I shed a few of my own tears. The reason Michael said he was so sad is a little comical, though. He had picked out his clothes for each day and was saving his Soccer Camp t-shirt to wear the next day. Of course, I knew this was not the real reason for the tears, but it was so sweet and innocent.

When we got home, I checked and, sure enough, all their communications said July 27-30, but they had started on Monday, the 26th, so the Camp was actually only 4 days long and I had just looked at the ending date instead of taking in the whole picture. Imagine trying to explain that mistake to a disappointed 6-year-old. I told Michael I was very sorry and he promptly forgave me.

At breakfast this morning, he said something about it being a Camp day and I looked at him in horror, thinking I was going to have to remind him it wasn't, when he broke into a smile and assured me he was just kidding.

I was struck, however, by how quickly he moved on. He forgave my mistake and didn't hold it against me. Do I forgive that easily? Do I move on to the point that I can even joke about it? God does. (Well, I don't know that He jokes about our sin!) He promises that when we come to Him for forgiveness, He removes our sin as far as the East is from the West. Thankfully, He isn't holding my past sins against me. I get a fresh start. And THAT is something to be thankful for!

Lord, make me more like a child--ready to forgive and move on. Make me more like You!

Vacation Bible School

The boys got to go to our church's Vacation Bible School this week. This was Jonathan's first time and he was SO excited! Michael has been to several different ones over the past couple years and it is a highlight of his entire year.
On the way home last night, Michael said, "I'm really sad we won't be here for VBS next year."
"We'll just have to see when it is and when we move, honey. Maybe we will be here," was my reply.
"Why can't they just have it all the time?"
"Well, because the kids are in school during the school year. They only have VBS in the summer. That's why it's call Vacation Bible School--because it's during vacation from school."
"Oh. I thought it was called that because it was like taking a vacation to learn about the Bible!"
I LOVE that my 6-year-old thinks learning about the Bible is a vacation! If I thought of it that way, I bet I would study it a lot more!!

Equipping the Called

6:00 Workout
7:45 Chat with hubby
8:30 Fix breakfast for whole family
9:00 Make lunch for hubby and start laundry
9:30 Math with Michael, Jonathan does "Pre-printing" workbook
10:30 Phone call with friend
11:00 Read with boys
11:30 Play Leap Frog Bingo--I like to call this "sneaky school"
12:00 Lunch
1:00 Read with boys
1:30 Boys down for nap/rest; Blogging

Doesn't that sound idyllic? That was actually our schedule this morning and it was pretty great! But lest you get the false idea that I'm perfect or that every day is like that, let me tell you what else happened.....
I battled it out with a 3-year-0ld who could be potty-trained, but refuses to wear underwear and when I finally compromised with a pull-up, he just went in that all morning instead of even trying.
I yelled at the boys to quit fighting.....again and again. The younger of whom ended up in time-out because he head-butted his older brother--twice.
I read a magazine through lunch and just nodded and said "Mmmmm-Hmmm" when necessary because I needed to shut down for a few minutes.
I am obviously not perfect (as if any of you who know me would think that anyway!), but I am called. Just yesterday I was listening to a CD called "From Pressure to Peace" by a speaker from a homeschool conference I attended. And while this was directed at homeschooling, it actually applies to a whole lot more. What the speaker said stuck with me: "God doesn't call the equipped. He equips the called." Did you catch that? He doesn't expect me to wake up every morning and have it altogether. He'll pull it together for me!
Because I don't believe in accidents where God is concerned, I know that He had me listen to that CD last night so that I would remember this morning to run to Him when my little guy was negotiating diaper-time. I actually told him I needed to think about it. I went into my room, sat on the floor (almost in tears) and prayed for guidance. I opened a child-rearing book to potty-training where God provided an answer that brought peace to my heart and Jonathan's. He equipped this called Mommy.
I am called. I am called to be a mom to my two boys, to homeschool them, to be a wife and support to my husband, to be the daughter of our King. I don't have to be perfect in these things--shoot, I don't even have to know what I'm doing. He's going to show me!
What are you called to do or be? Are you called to take your children to public school where you can make a difference? Are you called to homeschool? To be a Mom? A Dad? To do your best at a job you may or may not like? Are you called to read 300 pages a day as a student of SAASS? (Sorry, I had to include that just in case Chris reads this.) :)
God didn't call you because you can do it on your own. In fact, He called you because He knows you can't do it on your own. If you could do it on your own, you wouldn't have to rely on Him and relying on Him is exactly where He wants you to be.
So, here I am again, failing forward. We have bad days around here. Days where the boys watch too much TV and I yell too often. Those are the days I forget to rely on my Lord. And there will be more of them--of that I am sure. But just for today, I will remember that He has called me and He has promised to equip me.