A few weeks ago, my last living grandma died. Even in the days before she died, my brain went into planning mode. Even when we didn't know when she would go or when anything would be scheduled, my brain wanted to plan.When she left this world to be with Jesus, my brain planned during all hours of the days and nights--with or without my permission.
There was some question in my mind whether I would go back for the funeral or not. Less than two weeks before, I had been back in Iowa with the boys and we saw my grandma. Several people freed me up to not come back because I just saw her. It was a sweet gesture on their parts and I spent hours trying to decide what I should do. Finally, I decided I needed to be there to say good-bye. And then I went back to planning. I planned flights, what to pack, school assignments for the boys while I
was gone, food to leave while I was gone, and on and on. Planning kept
me from grieving.
When I finally sat down on the plane and all the planning was over, I realized I hadn't even started grieving. Many years ago, when my other grandma passed away, I was in full planning mode for days--even helping organize food after the funeral. When I returned home, I was depressed for weeks. Now I see why--I hadn't stopped planning/helping to let myself grieve.
And this is why I had to go. Because if I hadn't, there would not have been healthy grieving. I would have just kept moving, kept busy, kept avoiding until one day it would hit me and then I would feel regrets.
So, a huge thank you to Chris who never questioned my desire to go back, who even offered to fly all of us back even though it would have cost more than would have been wise to spend, and who did an amazing job at home with the boys while I said good-bye.
I got to say good-bye to my grandma with my parents, my siblings, my cousins and aunts and uncles. We laughed and cried together. We remembered and were thankful for all the wonderful years we had with her. And we started to heal.
Sometimes it's good to stop planning.
