Where I stand

There have been many things--both big and small--happening in my world lately that have caused me heartache and sadness.

A woman I admire and follow and read and quote just caused a storm in the Christian world. For me, it called into question those who I respect--because if she is not who I thought she was, then is anyone who I believe them to be? And if someone I admire for her beliefs and how she stands for them has now changed her beliefs about something this big, then what do I stand on? When the sand beneath my feet begins to shift, where is the solid ground?

As I wrote a few days ago, this election has also caused me heartache. I voted, but as soon as the ballot left the mailbox, I wondered if I voted for the "right" person. I had almost no peace about voting for any candidate--and I do mean any! There is not a single one who will represent who I am and what I believe and what I stand for. So, how do I stand when there is nothing to stand on?

When my house is a mess and I haven't made a decent dinner in a week and the bread goes moldy and I can't quite get my act together, my identity cannot be found in what I do because I fail......often. So, if I depend on my ability to hold it all together to stand strong, how far will I fall when my abilities fail me?

I caught Natalie Grant's song "King of the World" on the radio the other day and it was a balm for my soul. Here are some of the words:

I tried to fit you in the walls inside my mind
I try to keep you safely in between the lines
I try to put you in the box that I've designed
I try to pull you down so we are eye to eye

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world
How could I make you so small
When you're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world

Just a whisper of your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead
Still I run ahead and think I'm strong enough
When you're the one who made me from the dust

If this is true of the God I serve, and I believe it is, then there is no scandal, no President, no failure of mine that can cause the ground beneath my feet to shift. He is no less than the king of the world and when I believe the doomsday rhetoric around me, I make Him small and put Him in a box. He knew when He created the world that we would be here in this exact place in America near the end of 2016. Our mess doesn't scare Him, so it shouldn't scare me either. The Rock I stand on is solid--He is the King of the world.

Election woes and the hope I hold onto

Oh how my heart hurts for our country! I know I am not alone in wishing this election was different--and over. I have grown weary of reading all the opinions on Facebook and in the media. I am tired of having people tell me how I should vote because that is what they believe and, therefore, so must I.

Tonight I became very disheartened by a woman I have admired and respected-and have even been known to go all "fan-girl" over. Her posts have gone from encouraging moms to shoving her agenda down our throats. And you know what? I even agree with her stance! But I have lost respect for how she is promoting that stance. I do not want to be known as her "follower" right now. And that breaks my heart.

I weep for what we have lost as I read the history of great American men to my boys. Sure, our Founding Fathers were not perfect, either. But I can promise you this is not what they had in mind when they deliberated for days in a hot, closed room over what they wanted our country to be founded on. It was not this.

But more than the greats of our past, it must break God's heart to watch our nation tear itself apart like this. This week as I felt more and more hopeless over this election, I came across this passage and it brought so much comfort to me:

Isaiah 40:21-24
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood since the earth was founded? He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in. He brings princes to naught and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing. No sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown, no sooner do they take root in the ground, than he blows on them and they wither, and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff. 'To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?' says the Holy One." (Italics mine)

Regardless of who wins this election, I have One who will "reduce the rulers of this world to nothing" in His time. This man or woman who wins the highest office in our nation is but a piece of dust compared to the Holy One I serve.

Is the election important? Of course. But it is not eternal. No matter what the next President of the United States of America decrees, it will not follow me into eternity with my Lord and Savior. And that is the hope I hold onto.

The chase begins..... (Part 3)

"I believe we could grow at [the first church we visited], but I believe we will be challenged at this one." These were words I spoke to my family after visiting National Community Church here in the DC area. I still thought we would be challenged in our serving and, specifically, to the homeless community. I was dead-on regarding being challenged, but wrong in how I believed that would take place.

About a month ago, Pastor Mark Batterson's (NCC's lead pastor) new book "Chase the Lion" was being released and he gifted the entire congregation with the book before it hit the shelves. This is a sequel to the first book he ever wrote, "In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day" and I have never been one to read things out of order. So, we bought the first book to read first.

Life-changing. (And I am only halfway through it!)

Of course you realize I am chasing a figurative lion, but in case you are wondering where that comes from, read 2 Samuel 23:20-23. The key verse is this: "[Benaiah] also went down into a pit on a snowy day and killed a lion." This man accomplished many such feats and King David eventually put him in charge of his bodyguard. The question, then, is: What lion will you chase to reach the dream God has for you?

As Pastor Mark began preaching from his new book and I began reading his first book, all the discouragement and restlessness I had been fighting began to have a focus. Chris and I spent many evenings talking about the lions we might chase. I shared with him that I want to write, but I don't know where to start. In the very next sermon, Mark talked about wanting to chase the lion of making a movie, but he has no idea the way forward. That is where I am--I can't see the way forward. I could quote innumerable times God has used either Mark's book or his sermons to speak directly into my heart and my head:

- I think, "What if I heard the call wrong?" He answers, "When we don't have the guts to step out in faith and chase lions, then God is robbed of the glory that rightfully belongs to Him."

- "What if no one reads what I write? Or, worse, what if they don't like it?" I needed to hear, "The goal of life is not the elimination of fear. The goal is to muster the moral courage to chase lions."

- I cry, "I don't have time to focus on writing--I have boys to teach!" "Opportunities often look like insurmountable obstacles." and "You have to do something counterintuitive if you want to reach your God-given potential and fulfill your God-given destiny." 

One of the biggest obstacles I need to overcome is my own mindset of what I think I have to offer the world. I don't feel like I have anything to say that hasn't already been said. Then one morning I check Facebook and in my news feed is Jen Hatmaker promoting an e-workshop for aspiring writers and she says this in the post: "The world will never tire of more good words." How did she know what my biggest obstacle is?!?! How on EARTH did she read my mind?! And THEN do you know what happened? A friend who has been following this 3-part blog post and encouraging me, sends me the link to this workshop in case I didn't see it. That was so encouraging to me! That was God using women to propel me forward in what He is calling me to do--doubts and all.

The restlessness and discouragement are gone. Did Pastor Mark do that? No, I don't believe that for one minute. God did it. I don't believe in coincidences. If it happens and it is too good to be true, God orchestrated it. He uses people around me to speak into my life and encourage me. He uses books in my life because I am an avid reader and He meets me in the pages.  

And there you have it--the beginning of my chase. Thank you for sticking with me. I have no doubt there will come a day when God has done whatever He is going to do with this lion-chasing girl and I will read this 3-part blog post and think, "Why did anyone ever read that?!" But I wanted to chronicle the journey. So, thanks for reading it and encouraging me. Maybe you'll see my name in a byline someday or maybe I will write for my 6 followers. But I will be chasing the lion into the pit on a snowy day and that is all that matters.

The chase begins.... (Part 2)

Last spring, my sister encouraged me to read "Life Interrupted" by Jen Hatmaker. She said I would like it and I do really enjoy Jen's humor and perspective on life, but I was hesitant to pick it up. Why? Because I was afraid God would use it to call me to do something hard. I really don't like life interruptions at all and, as a military spouse, my life is interrupted every 2-3 years by a move as it is.

While Jen's book is her story of how God called them to leave the life of comfort they enjoyed in order to minister to the homeless of Austin, TX, it is not a book that calls everyone to do that. Instead, it is a call to allow God to interrupt the comfort of your life to do whatever it is He is calling you to do.

As I read it, I felt a stirring to do something different, to step out in faith, but I had no idea what step I should take.

Last year we lived outside of Boston and we came in frequent contact with homeless people asking for help. They stood outside at busy stoplights; they were vocal at the entrance to the T (the local subway); one older woman slept on the T with her bags surrounding her. Our boys had many questions about these people: How did they become homeless? Why don't they use the Rescue Missions? Why don't they get jobs? Why is she sleeping on the T with all those bags around her?

Meanwhile, I fought to answer a different set of questions--How do I help them? How do I know who to help? Where do I even begin? There was one young woman huddled on the floor of a subway tunnel whose hopeless and desperate eyes still haunt me. Tears sprang to my eyes after we passed her and I longed to go back and help, but I didn't know how. Because of these encounters and because there is a powerful story in "Life Interrupted" about giving away brand new cowboy boots that moved me and because the book was about the Hatmakers' ministry to the homeless, I erroneously thought God was calling me to that same type of ministry. 

I waited for Him to make it clear how I was supposed to live this out in my life, but answers never came and I began to get restless.

In the midst of this internal struggle, we relocated to the DC area. When we arrived in DC, the excitement of our new adventure was over-shadowed for me by a growing restlessness and discouragement. In spite of being welcomed by several people we already knew and loved, I felt adrift in our new location. I couldn't put my finger on the problem, though, and I tried to explain it in terms I understood from previous experience:

- It was just due to two moves in two years. But that didn't really explain it because it was a move we knew would happen and were actually looking forward to.

- It must be the annual struggle I face as a homeschooling mom--"This isn't enough, I should be doing more than 'just' homeschooling". But as my husband lovingly pointed out, that didn't make sense in the Fall when I was gearing up for the year--that struggle usually hits in February.

- It must be grief from moving. But I wondered whether I would actually grieve a place I didn't mind leaving when no other move had affected me in that way.

I finally gave up trying to figure it out and attempted to ignore it by throwing myself into the busyness of our new life.

If you read my blog post "Why you will find us in a movie theater on Sunday morning", you already know part of the rest of the story.......And it involves another book.

The chase begins...... (Part 1)

This is me, chasing a lion.....into a pit.....on a snowy day. With all the fear and trembling that goes with that. If you want to understand what I mean by those words, you will have to stick with me over the next few blog posts because I will unravel it, but I'm going to tell the story from the beginning.

For as long as I can remember, books have been my passion. I read as often as life permits.....and sometimes when it doesn't. One of my earliest memories is getting off the bus in elementary school and walking home while reading a book. I walked right past my house because my nose was literally in the book. Eventually, I looked up and retraced my steps, but I never put the book down.

When I gave my boys a hard time that "I never had a DS or game system to play while I watched my siblings' games", my husband whispered to them, "But she probably had a book!" We all laughed, but he was right. I carried a book everywhere I went. And I was always annoyed if I finished it and had nothing else to read.

All through school, I wrote and edited whenever the opportunity presented itself. When our elementary  and junior high schools published student's work, I volunteered to edit. I chose journalism as an elective in high school and wrote for the school newspaper. I eventually worked my way up to editor and loved every minute of it. In college, I wrote for the yearbook.

Words are important to me. Words I read or hear or say or write. They impact me more than almost anything else. If you know me, you have most likely heard me say, "I read this....." or "Have you read this?" If you are sharing a problem with me, I have probably offered help from something I read.

While words have never stopped being important to me, I stopped writing them. I often think "Why would anyone want to read what I write? There is so much good stuff out there!"

About 2 years ago, I began experiencing a very distinct call to write. In fact, I wrote a blog post about it in December of 2015. I have not been consistent, but the persistence of God's voice about it has been! My question hasn't changed--I still ask "Why? What could I possibly say that is interesting or has not already been said?" And yet, here I am. I cannot shake the conviction that this is something I am supposed to be doing.

There is more to the story, but this is the beginning. This is where I face my fear and chase that lion. I may fall flat on my face and this whole thing was just an exercise in obedience to the still, small voice I keep hearing that says, "Write!"

But in the end, isn't that the most important thing? The obedience even when we cannot understand or see the result. We ask that of our kids, right? We ask them to obey even before their minds can comprehend why we ask them not to run into the street or touch the hot stove or a million other little things. I have told my boys, "You need to obey first. Then you may ask 'Why?'" So, here I am, obeying my Heavenly Father before I understand the why.

Why you will find us in a movie theater on Sunday morning

It is unexpected. Who would have thought we would be at a movie theater every Sunday morning? I even fought it, thinking this could simply not be the place for us. Now, if you know us very well at all, you know that we are typically in church on Sunday mornings. So, why a movie theater? Because that's where we go to church!

Months before we move, we begin praying and searching for the right church for us at our next assignment. I do on-line research, ask friends and Facebook-land, and sometimes even listen to podcasts before we ever leave our previous assignment. Finding the church God wants us in is one of the most important decisions we make when we move. This time, we even chose a house near where we thought we would go to church. It is not a decision we take lightly because we know that finding the church God wants us in will not only help us grow, but will also be a big part of making us feel like we are "home" in our new location.

Before this move, I had several close friends tell us about an amazing church in the area. So many people who know us and know what we look for in a church pointed us to this one that I really didn't do much research. I looked on their website and listened to a sermon and agreed with everyone--this would most likely be our church when we got here.

But something strange happened and it started a few months before we moved. I read a book called "Life Interrupted" by Jen Hatmaker and God started stirring something in me. We lead a relatively sheltered life, surrounded by people like us and going through life much the same as almost every other middle-class white family in America. Sure, there are differences, but for the most part, we fit a stereotype. And God began challenging that with this book. The specifics are for a different blog post entirely, but that challenge is a key element in how I perceived church when we moved.

We attended the first church once. And you know what? It was great! There is absolutely nothing wrong with that church at all. The music sounded good. The preaching was great! They had amazing programs for each one of us. Everyone there looked like us. But it didn't fit. It was shocking, really. I expected to love it!

Because I assumed that would be our church and hadn't done any other research, we had to go back to the drawing board. For years Chris has listened to podcasts by Pastor Mark Batterson at National Community Church on Capital Hill and Chris found a campus of NCC near us. He tried it while the boys and I were out of town and he said, "You're going to love the worship!" And he was right! But I had a hard time picturing loving a church that met in a movie theater and watching the pastor on a screen.

When we visited NCC as a family, I knew Chris had found the church God was leading us to.....The worship was authentic and Spirit-filled. Jonathan liked being with us for worship and then also enjoyed his class. Michael found the preaching relatable. It didn't feel weird to watch the pastor on a screen, especially when the campus pastor made it feel like your own church and not just an unimportant arm of a larger church. But you know what sealed the deal for me? NOT EVERYONE LOOKED LIKE US!!!

As we talked after church that first Sunday, I told my family, "I think we could grow at [the other church], but I think we will be challenged at this one." And we are! 

God began doing something in me when I read "Life Interrupted" and it appears He isn't done. I don't know exactly what it is, but it's pretty clear to me that it will be something out of my stereotype since we go to church at a movie theater and I love it!

Teacher/Student conferences

I wish I could attend a parent/teacher conference and have a teacher tell me how our boys are doing. It is probably the one thing I struggle with missing out on because we homeschool. Well, maybe that and all the great awards kids are presented with at the end of the year. Because I'm pretty sure it would be a fun conference and I'm also fairly certain my boys would earn at least a couple awards. It is difficult because if I talk about what I see in them as their teacher, I may sound like I'm bragging as their mom. Plus, it would be nice to have someone confirm that we are on the right track--even though I think we are most days. Thankfully, I have an incredibly supportive and encouraging husband as well as family and friends that assure me I am not ruining them. ;)  

Due to these feelings, I decided to do a teacher/student conference. Here is what I will tell each of my students as we wrap up the year:

Michael - You are a great kid who is growing into a godly, young man. I see you searching for what God wants in your life and challenging yourself to live up to His call. You are a perfectionist and have learned a lot this year about accepting less than perfect from yourself, learning from it and then moving on. You are kind and compassionate with a quick smile. You love helping and loving on younger kids--even your younger brother. You are responsible and a leader who leads by example and can be trusted to follow the rules. You also have a strong sense of justice and it bothers you greatly to see something that is not fair--whether it has to do with you or not. I look forward to watching how God uses that in your life. You have risen to the challenge of 7th grade work....and it was challenging! You have learned how to study, how to learn independently and how to test well. You are joy to teach!

Jonathan - You are a great kid! You have a big and tender heart--for both people and animals. You are active and love to be with friends. In fact, you would choose to be outside with friends over just about anything else. But even though you longingly watched out the window to see who was playing outside while you had to do school, you worked hard and did your best until you were done each day. You make us laugh and keep me on my toes because I never know what type of "what if....." scenario you will present me with next. This year you have excelled in school. I was amazed at how quickly you picked up the math you were taught. And I loved to read whatever story your big imagination created. You are a joy to teach. I can't wait to see what God has in store for you!

The One-Year assignment

I wasn't prepared to be sad to leave Boston! All through last Fall I kept talking about how we were taking advantage of being here, but we wouldn't be sad to leave. I was wrong. I'm going to be sad. At least about a few things. But let's be honest, we all know I will not be sad to leave the roundabout!

A one-year assignment is different than any other type of assignment. We have never had to do one with kids. I know many of you have had more than your fair share of one-year assignments! And they are not easy, right?

A friend once told me she read an article that said it takes 12 months to develop close friendships. I remember crying, "I don't have that long!"

Even though I pride myself on being someone who jumps in quickly because I know we never have long, this time it either wasn't quickly enough or the time is just too short.

We found a church we love. It feels like home. But for me to feel like I am at home in a church, I have to have a little time to sink some roots down before I feel ready to invest my time in serving regularly. (So much for my pride of jumping in quickly, I guess!) Now that we have been there for 8 months, I was ready. I attended the training to help in Kids' Church and promptly realized I needed to tell the Kids' Church leadership that I have about 2 month to actually serve.

A group of parents started meeting to pray together once a month for our youth at church. I was so excited about it and have gone twice......only to realize I probably only have twice more to go.

So, the question becomes, "Do I keep investing? Or do I pull away?" The easy answer is pull away. It would be much less damaging to my heart. A good friend who has had multiple one-year assignments reminded me tonight that "it's worth it!"

What would Jesus ask of me? Since I have never seen a place in the Bible where He pulled away from anyone unless it was for short amounts of time to pray, I'm going to guess He would tell me to press in, to make the most of the time here, to invest in relationship because you never know how He will use them in my life or maybe even use me in theirs. Friendships are priceless--even when we may not see them again this side of heaven. I have left behind countless military and civilian friends as we have moved back and forth across the country. I remember them fondly and try to stay in touch with as many as possible. They were a stabilizing force in an otherwise unstable military lifestyle. And you know what, I still pray for them when I think of them. Maybe they pray for me, too. So then, what could possibly be wasted by investing with just under three months left? And what could be gained by giving up now? I mean, other than my heart that will ache a little more when we leave!

So, invest I will. To those of you that are here, just know there may be a few more tears shed because of the impact you made on my life in this short amount of time.

And to those who are in the midst of or facing a one-year assignment: Go for it! Jump in! Seize the time. It is fleeting and who of us ever knows how much time we really have? It's worth it!

My healthy grief

A few weeks ago, my last living grandma died. Even in the days before she died, my brain went into planning mode. Even when we didn't know when she would go or when anything would be scheduled, my brain wanted to plan.When she left this world to be with Jesus, my brain planned during all hours of the days and nights--with or without my permission.

There was some question in my mind whether I would go back for the funeral or not. Less than two weeks before, I had been back in Iowa with the boys and we saw my grandma. Several people freed me up to not come back because I just saw her. It was a sweet gesture on their parts and I spent hours trying to decide what I should do. Finally, I decided I needed to be there to say good-bye. And then I went back to planning. I planned flights, what to pack, school assignments for the boys while I was gone, food to leave while I was gone, and on and on. Planning kept me from grieving.

When I finally sat down on the plane and all the planning was over, I realized I hadn't even started grieving. Many years ago, when my other grandma passed away, I was in full planning mode for days--even helping organize food after the funeral. When I returned home, I was depressed for weeks. Now I see why--I hadn't stopped planning/helping to let myself grieve.

And this is why I had to go. Because if I hadn't, there would not have been healthy grieving. I would have just kept moving, kept busy, kept avoiding until one day it would hit me and then I would feel regrets.

So, a huge thank you to Chris who never questioned my desire to go back, who even offered to fly all of us back even though it would have cost more than would have been wise to spend, and who did an amazing job at home with the boys while I said good-bye.

I got to say good-bye to my grandma with my parents, my siblings, my cousins and aunts and uncles. We laughed and cried together. We remembered and were thankful for all the wonderful years we had with her. And we started to heal.

Sometimes it's good to stop planning.

Not my finest day......

It was not my finest day of parenting......

1) This weekend we decided we should go see Star Wars again in a very cool IMAX theater. So, I looked up the theater online and was sure tickets would still be available when we got there after church this morning. Guess what? It was sold-out! I had a very disgruntled crew on my hands for the drive home! I apologized; they forgave me; we all moved on.

2) I got so fed up with the chaos in our house (mostly, I got fed up with myself because I let things slide over the holiday break, but I tend not to keep my fed-up-ness to myself) that I declared a "we are going to pick up this house!" afternoon. (Yes, I did this almost as soon as we walked in the house from our disappointing not-seeing-Star Wars fiasco. Good timing, don't you think?!) The boys helped without grumbling and things were off to a good start. I told them to take the recycling outside, which they did.....also without grumbling. When they came back in, Michael said, "The big one is the recycling, right?" Uuummmm......No! Which led me into a rant about how could you think that and now you have to go back outside and fix what you did. To their credit, the boys put their boots back on and silently walked outside. When they returned, they were soaking wet. (Wait-- did I forget to mention that it was a torrential downpour out there......which I had not bothered to remember or listen for?) I apologized.....again.

Thankfully, our boys are extremely gracious and forgave me for both incidents. 

Which made me stop and think about how often the Lord is also gracious and forgives me. Last week we heard a great sermon on the importance of prayer as a non-negotiable in our lives. I left church determined to participate in 517 -- 5 areas of prayer, with 1 other person, 7 days each week. My determination lasted until later that day. I allowed a whole bunch of other nonsense to get in the way of my "non-negotiable" and let it slide most of the week. I eventually did sort out my 5 areas of prayer, but I never spent quiet, uninterrupted time with the Lord regarding those areas and certainly not with another person. This morning at church, I found myself apologizing to God without any excuses. I knew I was the only one to blame for my lack of discipline in this area this week. Thankfully, He is always gracious and quick to forgive me, even though He knows I will probably mess this up again this week. 

Lord, help me to be as gracious and forgiving to others as my boys and You are to me......even when I know the one apologizing will probably do the same thing again.

And, just in case you were wondering, I went online and bought tickets for Star Wars at the really cool IMAX theater for Chris to take the boys tomorrow afternoon.

It just "happened"......

I was reading Ann Voskamp's Advent book to the boys for our Bible time in the mornings before Christmas. We read about Samuel's search for a King. And all of a sudden, I had an epiphany. Want to know what it was? (If you don't, just close your screen now.)

Samuel and Jesse both believed that the oldest and strongest and biggest of the sons would be the obvious choice for the King of Israel. We all know the story, though, right? It wasn't the oldest or any of the others. It was David who was the youngest and the smallest whom God was calling.

I looked at our son, Jonathan David, and just started crying. Which, of course, did not make any sense to my boys who do NOT understand my tears more than half of the time I shed them! You see, our son is small for his age. He always has been. We went through a period of time where they did all kinds of tests on him because he did not appear to be growing. But they never found a medical explanation. Well, other than the fact that neither his mom or dad are very tall people!

We thought we got his middle name, David, from my Dad. And my dad is a pretty great guy to be named after! But today I just realized that God had a bigger plan. He knew all along that Jonathan would be small and that he would need someone small like shepherd boy David who kills a giant and who becomes King to look up to, to aspire to. God knew that Jonathan would struggle with his size and he would need to be reminded in BIG ways that small doesn't mean insignificant. That small doesn't mean less important.

Jonathan has gone through periods of time where his size has really bothered him. Kids made fun of him and treated him differently because he looked younger than they expected him to be.  He has grown to realize there are definite advantages to being small--you are easier for your uncles to throw  around than your taller cousins, you are a smaller target for games like dodge ball, and you can do gymnastics a little easier than someone with more body to move around.

David and Goliath has been his favorite Bible story since he started learning Bible stories. Coincidence? I doubt it.

Have I really never noticed this before? No, I have. But for some reason it hit me in a fresh, real way this morning. And I had the opportunity to speak into his life how great he could become, no matter his size.