Run with endurance

(Hint: even though my story is a homeschooling journey, this post is not about homeschooling.) ;)

This is our 11th year of homeschooling. This is also the first year that 2 out of the 3 of us involved were NOT excited to start the year. I was one of them.

I was simply not ready to end summer, to give up my lazy mornings and our pool days with friends. I didn't feel like writing lesson plans and re-learning Geometry or Biology so that I can keep up with our oldest. I didn't want to spend my time reading the introductions to various textbooks and teacher guides or figuring out how to teach this new curriculum. I just wanted to drink my coffee and read my book with bedhead until late morning when I might decide to shower for the day.

And then I read this: "Let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." (Hebrews 12:1b) And I had an epiphany, an "ah-ha!" moment! This job of educating my children is not a sprint, it's a marathon.

While I have never run a marathon, I have listened to runners talk about the wall they hit sometime after the halfway point, but before the end is in sight. And that's where we are in this homeschool journey. We are someplace past the halfway point, but still several years to go to graduate. I believe the lack of excitement my son and I feel is our wall.

This verse was so good for me because it reminded me that no matter what it is that God has called us to, it is usually a marathon. His call on our lives is rarely a sprint.

Fortunately, the surrounding verses give us the directions to run with endurance: "...let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith."

For me, my laziness and selfishness were the weights that were slowing me down. Sure, there was a time for enjoying slow mornings with a book and a cup of coffee, but that time is over and I need to let it go. Keeping my eyes on Jesus comes when I reset my focus from myself to Him and what He has called me to do. It usually involves some self-discipline--putting down my book to pick up His book, getting out of bed in time to spend time with Him before the busy-ness of the day takes over.

Your marathon may not be educating your children at home. Maybe it is the trenches of being a stay at home mom with young children. Maybe it is being a career woman who is asked to take on more. Or being single and wishing for a husband. Or being married and dreaming of having children. Maybe it is being a military spouse facing your umpteenth move and wishing the career was over. Maybe it is life after a career. Maybe it is a disability you face. Maybe it has nothing to do with what you DO and everything to do with who you ARE. We are all running a marathon.

What are YOUR weights that slow you down? How can you refocus your eyes on the prize?

Verse 2 goes on to say this: "Because of the joy awaiting Him (Jesus), He endured the cross, disregarding its shame."

We know there is great joy awaiting us in heaven. But I believe there is also great joy awaiting us here on earth as we show ourselves faithful and run with endurance. It's not a sprint. Push through the hard stuff, the wall. Do what you are called to do and do it with excellence, even when it is hard. Joy awaits.

Empty houses

As an Air Force family we have experienced more than our fair share of empty houses. The places have been an apartment, rentals, a home we purchased, base houses. Some, we have chosen; many have been chosen for us. No matter how many bedrooms or bathrooms or the state or age of the house, the empty house, upon arrival, holds our hopes and dreams for the next few months or years.

The empty house, at the beginning, is nothing more than a shell. It is not filled with our laughter and our memories, our conversations or growth, our arguments and forgiveness, our love. We have not experienced life here. Right now, it is just the place we will live. It is not "home".

We walk through the rooms and plan where we will place our furniture. We wonder where we will put the extra table and chairs or the big comfy chair Chris bought for me to read in--the one that fit perfectly in the house we first brought it home to, but has not fit perfectly anywhere else. Will the ceilings be high enough for the boys' loft beds? Will the kitchen fit all the paraphanalia I have collected over the years? Is there a wall for my favorite piece of art or Chris' awards? Where will we do school?

But, really, the important questions are: how much will the boys grow while we are here? Who will be our friends? What will the Lord teach us in this location? How will we grow and change and learn in this shell?

And then our household goods arrive and we fill the shell with the familiar and we begin life in this new location. The "house" becomes "home" and we fill it with laughter and love. We host family and friends, new and old, and introduce them to our new home and they become a part of this place. We watch our boys mature. We come and go as we go about our days. The house becomes a background, a stage, so to speak, for lives fully lived. We enjoy it and invest in it; we make it our own.

Until the orders arrive. Until we are told that we need to prepare to move. The movers arrive and unceremoniously pack all our belongings. Boxes fill all the empty spaces. The truck shows up and the boxes begin to disappear. And in that process, this shell that has become a home, begins to be a shell again. Only this time, it holds our memories and the fulfillment of our hopes and dreams as well as disappointments.

We walk through the house and remember when. We reflect on the months or years in that space, on the changes that have occurred in our family, in each of us as individuals, while we filled this shell and made it our home. Most often, we do not regret the good-bye to the shell. What we find difficult is the good-bye to all it has represented over the months or years we have been there. Good-bye to the boys' nurseries. Good-bye to the school room that held so much learning and laughter. Good-bye to the family room that hosted so many family movie and game nights. Good-bye to the porch where we shared our dreams for our future late at night.

The good-bye to the shell just represents a good-bye to the life we have fully lived in that season. A life we usually regret leaving behind. Regret......and yet......when we look back, we remember that this place was once new, this house was once a shell that held no memories and we look forward with hope because we can see how faithful God has been in filling not just the shell, but our lives here in this place that we came to call home. And we trust that God, in that same faithfulness, will help us fill a new shell once again until we can call that "home."

Defining myself

Lately, I have been defining myself by what I am "not" or by what I "just" am.

I am not my sister who will travel to South Africa to help lead a women's conference.

I am not a working mom whose job adds to the family finances.

I am "just" a stay-at-home mom.

I "just" homeschool.

I am "just" an Air Force wife.

These definitions of myself have been plaguing me lately. It happens almost once a year. I get buried in the piles of school books and assignments and day-to-day responsibilities and I lose perspective in the process. Everyone else seems to be doing bigger and more important things than I am.

Instinctively I know these things do not define me, but I was having trouble shaking this. I tried to keep it to myself, then I tried to talk to my sister about it, but it wasn't until this week as I finally took it to the Lord and asked, "What is it that I need to move on from this?" that I finally heard His answer.

"I chose you for this. I chose you for your husband. I chose you for your boys. You are who they need. You are doing what I created you to do in this season of your life. Other seasons will hold other things, but this is what this season holds. This is what I chose you for."

Oh! Well, that sounds important!

All my life, being chosen has been important to me. My life verse is "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit." John 15:16

When I know I have been chosen for something, I stand taller, I walk with more confidence, I move with purpose. When I know I am walking out exactly what God has chosen me to do, I speak more kindly, I love more deeply, I laugh more freely, I am more at peace.

When I forget, I am a mess. And I have been a mess lately. The funny thing is, I don't want to go to a foreign country, or have a job or a million other things I think I should want. I love my role as a mom and wife, I take very seriously my job of educating our children. In general, I love my life! But when I compare myself to others who I think are doing more important things and when I view myself by the world's standards, I get discontent and a little depressed.

Each year when this happens, the Lord gently reminds me of this same truth in a little different way. This year, He spoke those words "I chose you for this" and then He reiterated it. Our church is reading various passages of Scripture together and today was the story of Esther. You know, the queen who was "chosen for such a time as this."

Then He sent these words in a novel I am reading "Look for what the Creator wants you to do. He wants to share His creativity with you. He wants to partner with you. You find what He wants you to do." I read those words and realized--I have found it!  

So, the next time you define yourself by what you are "not" or what you are "just", ask God how He defines you. What makes you stand taller? What makes you move with purpose? What makes you laugh more freely? What speaks peace into your weary soul? Maybe He will remind you that you, too, are chosen. Or maybe He will remind you that you are a daughter of a King. Or maybe, just maybe, He will speak exactly what your heart needs to hear right in that moment. Ask Him!

Where I stand

There have been many things--both big and small--happening in my world lately that have caused me heartache and sadness.

A woman I admire and follow and read and quote just caused a storm in the Christian world. For me, it called into question those who I respect--because if she is not who I thought she was, then is anyone who I believe them to be? And if someone I admire for her beliefs and how she stands for them has now changed her beliefs about something this big, then what do I stand on? When the sand beneath my feet begins to shift, where is the solid ground?

As I wrote a few days ago, this election has also caused me heartache. I voted, but as soon as the ballot left the mailbox, I wondered if I voted for the "right" person. I had almost no peace about voting for any candidate--and I do mean any! There is not a single one who will represent who I am and what I believe and what I stand for. So, how do I stand when there is nothing to stand on?

When my house is a mess and I haven't made a decent dinner in a week and the bread goes moldy and I can't quite get my act together, my identity cannot be found in what I do because I fail......often. So, if I depend on my ability to hold it all together to stand strong, how far will I fall when my abilities fail me?

I caught Natalie Grant's song "King of the World" on the radio the other day and it was a balm for my soul. Here are some of the words:

I tried to fit you in the walls inside my mind
I try to keep you safely in between the lines
I try to put you in the box that I've designed
I try to pull you down so we are eye to eye

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world
How could I make you so small
When you're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world

Just a whisper of your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead
Still I run ahead and think I'm strong enough
When you're the one who made me from the dust

If this is true of the God I serve, and I believe it is, then there is no scandal, no President, no failure of mine that can cause the ground beneath my feet to shift. He is no less than the king of the world and when I believe the doomsday rhetoric around me, I make Him small and put Him in a box. He knew when He created the world that we would be here in this exact place in America near the end of 2016. Our mess doesn't scare Him, so it shouldn't scare me either. The Rock I stand on is solid--He is the King of the world.

Election woes and the hope I hold onto

Oh how my heart hurts for our country! I know I am not alone in wishing this election was different--and over. I have grown weary of reading all the opinions on Facebook and in the media. I am tired of having people tell me how I should vote because that is what they believe and, therefore, so must I.

Tonight I became very disheartened by a woman I have admired and respected-and have even been known to go all "fan-girl" over. Her posts have gone from encouraging moms to shoving her agenda down our throats. And you know what? I even agree with her stance! But I have lost respect for how she is promoting that stance. I do not want to be known as her "follower" right now. And that breaks my heart.

I weep for what we have lost as I read the history of great American men to my boys. Sure, our Founding Fathers were not perfect, either. But I can promise you this is not what they had in mind when they deliberated for days in a hot, closed room over what they wanted our country to be founded on. It was not this.

But more than the greats of our past, it must break God's heart to watch our nation tear itself apart like this. This week as I felt more and more hopeless over this election, I came across this passage and it brought so much comfort to me:

Isaiah 40:21-24
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood since the earth was founded? He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in. He brings princes to naught and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing. No sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown, no sooner do they take root in the ground, than he blows on them and they wither, and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff. 'To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?' says the Holy One." (Italics mine)

Regardless of who wins this election, I have One who will "reduce the rulers of this world to nothing" in His time. This man or woman who wins the highest office in our nation is but a piece of dust compared to the Holy One I serve.

Is the election important? Of course. But it is not eternal. No matter what the next President of the United States of America decrees, it will not follow me into eternity with my Lord and Savior. And that is the hope I hold onto.

The chase begins..... (Part 3)

"I believe we could grow at [the first church we visited], but I believe we will be challenged at this one." These were words I spoke to my family after visiting National Community Church here in the DC area. I still thought we would be challenged in our serving and, specifically, to the homeless community. I was dead-on regarding being challenged, but wrong in how I believed that would take place.

About a month ago, Pastor Mark Batterson's (NCC's lead pastor) new book "Chase the Lion" was being released and he gifted the entire congregation with the book before it hit the shelves. This is a sequel to the first book he ever wrote, "In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day" and I have never been one to read things out of order. So, we bought the first book to read first.

Life-changing. (And I am only halfway through it!)

Of course you realize I am chasing a figurative lion, but in case you are wondering where that comes from, read 2 Samuel 23:20-23. The key verse is this: "[Benaiah] also went down into a pit on a snowy day and killed a lion." This man accomplished many such feats and King David eventually put him in charge of his bodyguard. The question, then, is: What lion will you chase to reach the dream God has for you?

As Pastor Mark began preaching from his new book and I began reading his first book, all the discouragement and restlessness I had been fighting began to have a focus. Chris and I spent many evenings talking about the lions we might chase. I shared with him that I want to write, but I don't know where to start. In the very next sermon, Mark talked about wanting to chase the lion of making a movie, but he has no idea the way forward. That is where I am--I can't see the way forward. I could quote innumerable times God has used either Mark's book or his sermons to speak directly into my heart and my head:

- I think, "What if I heard the call wrong?" He answers, "When we don't have the guts to step out in faith and chase lions, then God is robbed of the glory that rightfully belongs to Him."

- "What if no one reads what I write? Or, worse, what if they don't like it?" I needed to hear, "The goal of life is not the elimination of fear. The goal is to muster the moral courage to chase lions."

- I cry, "I don't have time to focus on writing--I have boys to teach!" "Opportunities often look like insurmountable obstacles." and "You have to do something counterintuitive if you want to reach your God-given potential and fulfill your God-given destiny." 

One of the biggest obstacles I need to overcome is my own mindset of what I think I have to offer the world. I don't feel like I have anything to say that hasn't already been said. Then one morning I check Facebook and in my news feed is Jen Hatmaker promoting an e-workshop for aspiring writers and she says this in the post: "The world will never tire of more good words." How did she know what my biggest obstacle is?!?! How on EARTH did she read my mind?! And THEN do you know what happened? A friend who has been following this 3-part blog post and encouraging me, sends me the link to this workshop in case I didn't see it. That was so encouraging to me! That was God using women to propel me forward in what He is calling me to do--doubts and all.

The restlessness and discouragement are gone. Did Pastor Mark do that? No, I don't believe that for one minute. God did it. I don't believe in coincidences. If it happens and it is too good to be true, God orchestrated it. He uses people around me to speak into my life and encourage me. He uses books in my life because I am an avid reader and He meets me in the pages.  

And there you have it--the beginning of my chase. Thank you for sticking with me. I have no doubt there will come a day when God has done whatever He is going to do with this lion-chasing girl and I will read this 3-part blog post and think, "Why did anyone ever read that?!" But I wanted to chronicle the journey. So, thanks for reading it and encouraging me. Maybe you'll see my name in a byline someday or maybe I will write for my 6 followers. But I will be chasing the lion into the pit on a snowy day and that is all that matters.

The chase begins.... (Part 2)

Last spring, my sister encouraged me to read "Life Interrupted" by Jen Hatmaker. She said I would like it and I do really enjoy Jen's humor and perspective on life, but I was hesitant to pick it up. Why? Because I was afraid God would use it to call me to do something hard. I really don't like life interruptions at all and, as a military spouse, my life is interrupted every 2-3 years by a move as it is.

While Jen's book is her story of how God called them to leave the life of comfort they enjoyed in order to minister to the homeless of Austin, TX, it is not a book that calls everyone to do that. Instead, it is a call to allow God to interrupt the comfort of your life to do whatever it is He is calling you to do.

As I read it, I felt a stirring to do something different, to step out in faith, but I had no idea what step I should take.

Last year we lived outside of Boston and we came in frequent contact with homeless people asking for help. They stood outside at busy stoplights; they were vocal at the entrance to the T (the local subway); one older woman slept on the T with her bags surrounding her. Our boys had many questions about these people: How did they become homeless? Why don't they use the Rescue Missions? Why don't they get jobs? Why is she sleeping on the T with all those bags around her?

Meanwhile, I fought to answer a different set of questions--How do I help them? How do I know who to help? Where do I even begin? There was one young woman huddled on the floor of a subway tunnel whose hopeless and desperate eyes still haunt me. Tears sprang to my eyes after we passed her and I longed to go back and help, but I didn't know how. Because of these encounters and because there is a powerful story in "Life Interrupted" about giving away brand new cowboy boots that moved me and because the book was about the Hatmakers' ministry to the homeless, I erroneously thought God was calling me to that same type of ministry. 

I waited for Him to make it clear how I was supposed to live this out in my life, but answers never came and I began to get restless.

In the midst of this internal struggle, we relocated to the DC area. When we arrived in DC, the excitement of our new adventure was over-shadowed for me by a growing restlessness and discouragement. In spite of being welcomed by several people we already knew and loved, I felt adrift in our new location. I couldn't put my finger on the problem, though, and I tried to explain it in terms I understood from previous experience:

- It was just due to two moves in two years. But that didn't really explain it because it was a move we knew would happen and were actually looking forward to.

- It must be the annual struggle I face as a homeschooling mom--"This isn't enough, I should be doing more than 'just' homeschooling". But as my husband lovingly pointed out, that didn't make sense in the Fall when I was gearing up for the year--that struggle usually hits in February.

- It must be grief from moving. But I wondered whether I would actually grieve a place I didn't mind leaving when no other move had affected me in that way.

I finally gave up trying to figure it out and attempted to ignore it by throwing myself into the busyness of our new life.

If you read my blog post "Why you will find us in a movie theater on Sunday morning", you already know part of the rest of the story.......And it involves another book.