One of my downfalls has always been wanting to be in control. I'm the one with the map when we visit an amusement park. I want to plan our route to make sure we get it all in. I want to know when we are doing what and how much time it will take and how that will affect everyone involved. I had a day-timer in high school before it was popular. (And I think it's God's sense of humor that I married a military man.) :) I want information.....and I can't get too much of it. This has been something that God has been trying to work out of me my whole life. He wants me to give Him control and relinquish mine. He wants to hold the map, the information, my day-planner. And I fight Him for it.....often.
But lately, I thought I was doing pretty good. In fact, I gave myself a pat on the back as I found myself being more flexible--with my time, with my boys, with my husband. And so, because I felt rather proud of myself, God threw me a test......and I failed......again.
I need surgery for the medical issue I have written about before. They have to cut a tube and reconnect it so that it isn't constricted and causing me pain in my kidney. This news resulted in a control-freak-tailspin. I want to be in control of setting appointments, of when I will have surgery, of who I will see and where I will be seen. Guess what? I don't get control of ANY of that!
I spent the weekend eating because of my emotions. All my bad-for-me comfort foods. On Monday, my husband started talking moving details with me (we move after his graduation in June). Details I once again have no control over. I looked at him and said, "I am seconds away from an emotional breakdown. I will probably start crying any minute." (I thought it considerate of me to let him know.) :)
Finally, on Monday night I sat down with my Bible study and asked God to PLEASE speak to me. I knew I needed to hear from Him. I am reading an old book called "My Heart's Cry--Longing for more of Jesus" by Anne Graham Lotz (Billy Graham's daughter). I started it a couple weeks ago and hadn't picked it up again. I started in on the third chapter and knew within the first paragraph that God had saved this chapter for me that night. The title was "More of His Praise on My Lips". The whole chapter was about praising Him no matter what. Praising Him whether I feel like it or not. Why? Because He deserves it. Even if everything went wrong, no matter what happens, God deserves our praise. We don't praise Him because He did something for us--that's when we thank Him for His grace and mercy. We praise Him because of Who He is. And He is worthy of ALL our praise.
Anne tells the story of growing up in the mountains where the trees were so big on one ridge they hiked to that, even joining hands, their family could not reach around the trunk. She asked her mom why they were so much larger on the ridge. Her mother replied "because the winds were the strongest and the storms were the fiercest on the ridge. With nothing to shelter the trees from the full brunt of nature's wrath, they either broke and fell, or they became incredibly strong and resilient." I want to grow into a "tree of righteousness" and if that means He uses "the elements of adversity to make us strong", then so be it.
Not only is He worthy of all of our praise no matter what, praise is "the switch that turns on the light in the darkness of your life." Have you ever tried praising Him in your darkest hour only to discover it is no longer your darkest hour?
So I praised Him through that chapter and thanked Him for hearing my request for Him to speak to me. And my darkness lifted and my spirit felt lighter. Had anything changed? No. I still don't have control over any aspect of my medical care or the moving details, but somehow after praising Him, it didn't matter. A friend of mine wrote me something that is so true: "Every problem we face is too big for us to handle on our own. So thankful for a God we can give it to." And in praising Him, we are reminded of the fact that He is big enough. He can handle it. I don't have to be in control because He is. And even when the pieces don't seem to come together in the way we had hoped or wanted, He still has our best in mind.....but our best might be some adversity to grow us into trees of righteousness. I think it's worth it!
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