God, are you sure he got the right mom?!

My Michael LOVES crafts! His Mommy does NOT!! Some days I think he should have been my sister's child. (Of course, I don't REALLY think that, but......)

Friday I had gone to Birmingham and back for a doctor's appointment, taken them to base for homeschool bowling, ran an errand on base and finally arrived back home exhausted.

The first thing Michael said to me was, "Hey! Let's do a craft like play-dough or something!" I detest play-dough. It is messy and frustrating and I feel like we should keep the colors separate because that is what my Type A brain tells me. So, inwardly, I'm groaning when he says this. But then Jonathan says, "Let's paint our tractors!" YES! I don't detest painting any less, BUT their grandpa had given them wooden tractors to paint and the kit came with everything they needed--paint, brushes, the tractor. All I had to do was put out our craft tablecloth and some water--that is MY kind of craft! So, they painted and I cleaned brushes between colors.

Jonathan did a very nice job on his two small tractors. And then he was done. He was happy with how they looked and was excited to have done them, but then he was done.

However, and here is where I began to think Michael needs a different mom, Michael began to get very frustrated because it didn't look exactly like it looked in his head. And I didn't know what to tell him! Nor did I know how to help him fix it! I thought about my sister and how often she has done painting projects only to tell me she didn't like how it turned out, yet it is perfect in my eyes. And I thought, "Julie would know what to say!"

I know he belongs to me and that God didn't somehow mix up who should be his mom (I also know I wouldn't trade him for the world!), but I am thinking of enlisting her in a craft project for him the next time we are visiting. (Did you hear that, Julie?!) :)

On a side note, the very next day we dyed Easter eggs. This momma is crafted out! (Not Michael, though, he was back to his tractor as soon as his eggs were decorated.)

A God-blessed moment

In the spirit of being real, you must first remember that what follows does not happen every day. Many days we stumble through our school time and it's a success if I don't yell, Michael doesn't have a school-related meltdown and Jonathan doesn't play Wii all morning (because I just want him busy).

But then, once in awhile, we have a God-blessed moment. Although, as you'll soon see, it didn't seem like it would be when it started......

I promised the boys that I would make pancakes on this particular morning. So, I announced that I was making pancakes and went about that task. Michael was playing happily with his new Lego set and I assumed that's where he wanted to stay. The next thing I know, he is in meltdown mode because he wanted to make pancakes with me.....and I was to know this, how?! Once the meltdown ended, he told me making pancakes with me is one of his favorite things to do with me (never mind the fact that all we do is add water and stir), so could we please play a game or something together since he didn't get to do pancakes?

And here's the moment.....a new board game was scheduled for math as part of school THAT morning. I'm pretty sure I earned double points for that--fun math AND he got his request. I love when God pieces things together like that! It truly was a God-blessed moment.

Medical details

I have been overwhelmed by the number of people who genuinely care about me and what is going on. So much so, that I do not have the time or energy to email each of you individually. I wish I could, but I can't, so here we are.

I spent the day in Birmingham with my sister-in-law yesterday. Too bad it wasn't for the sake of shopping and a relaxing lunch. But I couldn't have been more thankful to have her with me. The day started in Nuclear Medicine where they injected me with radioactive material in order to watch my kidneys function. I found it fascinating and the tech, realizing this, turned the computer screen so I could watch the test. Nice! (I did find it highly ironic that there are people in Japan fleeing radioactive material and I was being injected with it; albeit, at a much different level!)

We then headed over to the doctor's where he told me my symptoms are "atypical" and that he didn't have the test results. He sent us to lunch and told us to come back in an hour. (We did enjoy a nice lunch.) When we came back, he said all my results are within the "normal" range and that my symptoms are not typical for what they thought the problem was. So, now what?

Chris and I will go back up Thursday morning (or, more likely, we'll head up tonight to be there for tomorrow morning!) for more testing which requires me to be sedated. The doctor will "scope it out" so to speak. You can figure out what that means.....I'm not going to spell out the details of this particular set of tests. :) Suffice it to say, he is looking to see if there is a blockage elsewhere along the same tube that could be causing all the pain.

Trisha, Chris's sister, was a trooper. She was really the reason I didn't just completely fall apart during the 10-hour day between hospital/doctor offices. Then she came back with me and took our boys with her last night so we didn't have to worry about what to do with them while I'm going under. She is such a blessing!!!

Here are the praises:
The doctor is AWESOME! And he is going out of his way--using his administrative day--to do this test on me tomorrow.
The boys will have more fun with cousins than at home and I don't have to worry about them.
The nuclear medicine test resulted only in a small amount of pain that didn't last long instead of the pain I was expecting.

Here are things you can join me in praying:
That the doctor would have wisdom as he runs this next test and that he would either be able to fix the problem or know the next step after tomorrow's tests.
That the Lord would multiply Chris' time as he has to miss class and several hours of studying to go with me. (He is willing, but the reality is that it will put him behind.)
That bouncing back from the test and sedation would be a piece of cake. :)

Thanks, friends!

Refiner's Fire

I have had this old song running around my head for the past week or so. Do you remember it?

Purify my heart,
let me be as gold and precious silver.
Purify my heart,
let me be as gold, pure gold.

(Chorus)
Refiner's fire,
my heart's one desire
is to be…holy;
set apart for You, Lord.
I choose to be…holy;
set apart for You, my Master,
ready to do Your will.

Purify my heart,
cleanse me from within
and make me holy.
Purify my heart,
cleanse me from my sin, deep within.

It's such a nice song, isn't it? I do want to be holy. I do want to be set apart for my Lord. I do want to do His will. But do I really want the refiner's fire? Have you ever thought about that? A friend of mine once said worship songs are often ways we promise God things we would never promise or ask for otherwise. It's so true!

As this song ran its merry-go-round in my head, I began to examine the words and I found myself thinking how crazy it is that I would actually ask for a refiner's fire.

I just read about blacksmiths with my son for school and I immediately thought of the refiner's fire. Those fires are hot enough to melt iron so it can be pounded into the tool the blacksmith needs. That's the kind of fire the Bible refers to when it says we are tested by fire--a refiner's fire.

I don't know about you, but I don't really want to ask for the refiner's fire! I want the end result without the heat. Right now I find myself wondering what God is showing me. Is He giving me encouragement and strength to face the present physical issues I'm having? Is He telling me there is more to come? (I hope not!) I don't know the answers. One day as I wondered what to read in my Bible, 1 Peter popped in my head. The title of that section is, you guessed it, "Refiner's Fire." (I just shook my head and laughed.)

1 Peter 1:3-9 says "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this (the things he listed) you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls."

So, even though I don't like the fire, I am reminded about how much I have to rejoice in--I am born again, I will inherit God's kingdom, I am protected by the power of God through faith. And if my fire results in a tool (me!) He can use better for that Kingdom, then I will try to remember to be joyful in the midst of it, remember that my faith is more precious than gold (or anything the world has to offer) and remember that the end result is worth the heat.

So, in spite of my reluctance to ask for a refiner's fire, I will joyfully continue to praise Him and serve Him in the midst of it.

Lord, help me rejoice in You no matter how hot the fire gets.

Still learning....

One of my downfalls has always been wanting to be in control. I'm the one with the map when we visit an amusement park. I want to plan our route to make sure we get it all in. I want to know when we are doing what and how much time it will take and how that will affect everyone involved. I had a day-timer in high school before it was popular. (And I think it's God's sense of humor that I married a military man.) :) I want information.....and I can't get too much of it. This has been something that God has been trying to work out of me my whole life. He wants me to give Him control and relinquish mine. He wants to hold the map, the information, my day-planner. And I fight Him for it.....often.

But lately, I thought I was doing pretty good. In fact, I gave myself a pat on the back as I found myself being more flexible--with my time, with my boys, with my husband. And so, because I felt rather proud of myself, God threw me a test......and I failed......again.

I need surgery for the medical issue I have written about before. They have to cut a tube and reconnect it so that it isn't constricted and causing me pain in my kidney. This news resulted in a control-freak-tailspin. I want to be in control of setting appointments, of when I will have surgery, of who I will see and where I will be seen. Guess what? I don't get control of ANY of that!

I spent the weekend eating because of my emotions. All my bad-for-me comfort foods. On Monday, my husband started talking moving details with me (we move after his graduation in June). Details I once again have no control over. I looked at him and said, "I am seconds away from an emotional breakdown. I will probably start crying any minute." (I thought it considerate of me to let him know.) :)

Finally, on Monday night I sat down with my Bible study and asked God to PLEASE speak to me. I knew I needed to hear from Him. I am reading an old book called "My Heart's Cry--Longing for more of Jesus" by Anne Graham Lotz (Billy Graham's daughter). I started it a couple weeks ago and hadn't picked it up again. I started in on the third chapter and knew within the first paragraph that God had saved this chapter for me that night. The title was "More of His Praise on My Lips". The whole chapter was about praising Him no matter what. Praising Him whether I feel like it or not. Why? Because He deserves it. Even if everything went wrong, no matter what happens, God deserves our praise. We don't praise Him because He did something for us--that's when we thank Him for His grace and mercy. We praise Him because of Who He is. And He is worthy of ALL our praise.

Anne tells the story of growing up in the mountains where the trees were so big on one ridge they hiked to that, even joining hands, their family could not reach around the trunk. She asked her mom why they were so much larger on the ridge. Her mother replied "because the winds were the strongest and the storms were the fiercest on the ridge. With nothing to shelter the trees from the full brunt of nature's wrath, they either broke and fell, or they became incredibly strong and resilient." I want to grow into a "tree of righteousness" and if that means He uses "the elements of adversity to make us strong", then so be it.

Not only is He worthy of all of our praise no matter what, praise is "the switch that turns on the light in the darkness of your life." Have you ever tried praising Him in your darkest hour only to discover it is no longer your darkest hour?

So I praised Him through that chapter and thanked Him for hearing my request for Him to speak to me. And my darkness lifted and my spirit felt lighter. Had anything changed? No. I still don't have control over any aspect of my medical care or the moving details, but somehow after praising Him, it didn't matter. A friend of mine wrote me something that is so true: "Every problem we face is too big for us to handle on our own. So thankful for a God we can give it to." And in praising Him, we are reminded of the fact that He is big enough. He can handle it. I don't have to be in control because He is. And even when the pieces don't seem to come together in the way we had hoped or wanted, He still has our best in mind.....but our best might be some adversity to grow us into trees of righteousness. I think it's worth it!

The Lord is near

I want to tell you what God did for me today. But hang with me, it's a long story. Oh wait, ALL my stories are long! :)

Today I went to the doctor for a mysterious pain in my side that creeps up off and on. It mimics gall bladder pain, but mine was taken out 10 years ago. After 10 months of not knowing when it will hit, I finally decided I should get it checked. After talking to me, my doctor sent me to radiology for an ultrasound (NO, I am NOT pregnant!) to check for kidney stones. She told me I would hear something in a few days if they found something and if they didn't, I would get a letter in the mail after 7 days. Radiology had an open appointment at 2:00 this afternoon (a miracle in and of itself). But by the way, you may not eat or drink anything until then.

My ultrasound tech was awesome! You know, they can never tell you anything, but by the questions he was asking, I could tell he was seeing something. Long story shorter, he had me stick around while he walked the results to the radiologist, then came back to say they were walking the results to the doctor to have her order a CAT scan immediately.

Remember how I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since breakfast? Remember how it's now after 2? Add to my already-low blood sugar an adrenaline rush based on the fact that I am now in immediate need of a CAT scan and I don't know why and watch me start shaking--visibly and literally! I was very close to asking the tech if I needed to call my husband in order to hear the news.

So, I'm sitting in a chair uncontrollably shaking and unsuccessfully trying to read a novel on my Kindle when I distinctly feel the prompting of the Lord to read His Word. I switch over to my Bible (enter ad for Kindle here) and look up Philippians 4. Here is what I read in verses 5-7 "The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Did you catch that? The Lord is near. I sat and read that line over and over. Then I started thanking Him for the people he had placed in the clinic for me today. Then I read the part about His peace over and over. And you know what? I stopped shaking. Completely. I was at peace. The Lord was near.

That's really the most important part of the story, but if you're like me, you'll want to know how it turned out. I got the CAT scan. Then I stopped at the desk for my doctor and asked whether she wanted to see me again before I went home. (When you've suddenly had an extra test and people are walking things down to her, you get the idea that probably you need to be filled in!) In fact, she did. Did you catch that?! This doctor saw me without an appointment..... unheard of in military clinics.

She gave me the run-down on kidney stones and prescribed me a pain med. But as I was walking out, another tech came in to tell my doctor that the radiologist called and wanted her to call back. I sat back down. It turns out I don't have kidney stones at all. I have a narrow spot in some tube that is slowing things down and causing the pain. I'm off to the urologist.

On the way to the original appointment this morning, I prayed that God would give the doctor wisdom. On the way to the ultrasound, I prayed it would be conclusive. I prayed God would go with me and that He would bless those taking care of me and that I would be a blessing to them. He answered above and beyond what I could have imagined!

Thank You, Jesus, for being near me today!

LOOK what God did!!

I felt so lonely today.....and worn down.....and discouraged....and insignificant.

Do you know what God did?

He got me to Bible study where I was reminded I have a very dear friend there, willing to help me with the boys if I would just ask; and where several women commented on how great my boys are--I needed that reminder today!

Then He gave me a phone call that relieved some stress for the near future, giving us more time to decide how to move forward. And I was blessed just from hearing this friend's heart.

Then when I turned on my Kindle to read my novel and found it was still on my Bible, He gave me a verse reminding me of His love for me and how this present "suffering" is nothing compared to the glory of being with Him--even now, in the present.

Then I went to the Y where I worked out with some great homeschooling moms that reminded me not only do I have friends, but I have friends who understand and can encourage this sometimes-lonely homeschool journey.

Then a friend in another state texted me asking if we could set up a phone date this week.

Then I came home to a message from a friend who will begin her homeschool journey soon asking me for my opinion on which curriculum to look at and how to choose where to start.

THEN (I know, it just doesn't end!) a dear woman at church gave me a giant hug (the norm is a quick sideways hug, so this was unexpected) as if she knew I needed it and I dissolved into tears. She just hugged me tighter and told me I'm special. How could she have known how much I needed that today?

Finally, another friend noticed my puffy eyes and asked why I'd been crying. To which I replied, "If you're nice to me, I'll start all over!" She promised to be mean. :) And then she listened.

Look what God did for me!! He met me at each and every emotion:
Lonely: He sent friend after friend reminding me I am not alone.
Worn down: He sent other homeschooling moms to encourage me.
Discouraged: He gave me a verse reminding me that He loves me and that is enough.
Insignificant: He had a friend ask for advice and sent a woman I deeply respect to tell me I'm special.

LOOK what God did for me! And you know what? He'll do it for you, too.

Thank You, Lord, for the reminders I so badly needed today. Thank You for meeting me at every turn.